Startling Revelations

You all know how I am convinced things will work out one day between Grey and myself. Well, I know that she's done the right thing for herself and I've been thinking that it's a good thing for us, me, too.
Today, while stacking 6 metre long pine boards on a shelf I realised something. Let me explain a little...
The song on the radio, funnliy enough, was "I Can See Clearly". I was mindlessly singing away when, as I pushed a board reluctantly into position, I mumbled under my breath, "Oh, for fuck's sake...... idiot!!!". A co-worker called out to see if I was ok, "Rarely better", I replied, smiling. You see, my love for Grey has never waivered...... ever! Suddenly, today, it's well..... I don't know if it could double but, it's close, like....... WOW!!!!!
Nothing about us is beyond repair, except maybe my behaviour for a few weeks there. Who knows though, maybe in time. She knows me well enough to realize that....... anyway, she knows how sorry and regretful I am. Well, everybody I have spoken to has said my behaviour was understandable. I don't completely agree as I was there, watching from the inside. I have figured out this much though. Fear of losing her would not invoke such actions. Nor would desperately trying to get her to work things out...... duh! Sure, I was angry, and I've finally figured out who with......... ME! (well, around 90% me). I don't really want to go into specifics because, I have been over-analysing things lately and... it's just too painful at this very moment.
Alright, I was angry at myself because of a few reasons :-
- We were breaking up before my very eyes and there was nothing I could do, nothing!!!
- The things I had done had had no effect over the previous two months, I should have tried harder.
- Why had i not done more?

There, that's it in a nutshell, the main reasons I was angry with myself. I was also a little angry with her for a few reasons :-
- She was breaking up with me, something I thought would never happen. Call it love, call it faith. I didn't think that anything would break us up. I knew I would never leave her. I can state that as an absolute incontrovertible fact. It would have to have been something terrible, like, well, I thought of murder and infidelity but instantly forgave her before I could write them down hehe, but it would have to be something huge and unforgiveable for me to ever leave her. There is no other reason why I would. I could never tire of her smile and just her very presence. Anyhooo, that's love! I like love lots :)
- I felt that everything I had tried were either ignored or just not good enough. I know that she felt this too well, not true. I understood what she was going through fairly well, although I am first to admit I was 'off the ball' a little. Or, maybe a little more than a little.

Regardless of the reasons of my anger it was uncalled for. I have never acted like that in my life... ever! Sure, I get angry, just like anyone else, but that was not like me. The only thing I do know is that I can never get physical when angry like that. I can't and wont hit anybody (I have an 'inanimate object only policy'). I have enough control for that. In fact, hitting her never once crossed my mind until she brought it up, the thought of which made me feel ill. There are a lot of things that will remain hidden about those days. It was hell, for both of us.

Here is another part of the problem from my point of view. I have always tried to be 'ultra-low maintenance' and never expect much in return. By that I mean, I try to be akin to something like a cat: feed me and pat me occasionally and I'm happy. The only way I tend to be more damanding is of her time. I love being near her, I'm addicted, as she once was. Even now I am happier when she is around rather than when she isn't. For two months though, I felt like she didn't want me around much. I may be wrong but that's how I felt. We both took turns being really clingy during our relationship and the other never really minded at all. Mostly however, we just loved being around each other. I always felt this way, time with her is always good. Well,during those months it seemed that she just wanted time away from me. If I said something, she'd get defensive and we'd argue, so I backed off. This also happened in reverse. Unfortunately, my feelings of loneliness came across as being 'cranky all the time' when really, I wasn't. I was trying to give her the space I felt she wanted and, selfishly, was not enjoying it at all. Anyway, it was all a crazy misunderstanding, something we've had more of recently. It is weird though, because we understand and know each other better than anyone else does. We've always had a connection that I can only explain from my vantage point. If I was out at the shops or wherever, and something happened to her at home, I could sense it. There were times when, because of this, I was able to bring home painkillers or chocolate or whatever was needed without even needing to call or be called. I know she felt these things too. We just have a connection. I have an example of this from yesterday actually.

She'd had a rough few days and I came home yesterday to find her quite upset, but I already had an idea something was up. An internet friend of hers that she had been talking to for about a month decided to treat her like absolute crap. He said some really nasty things to her and I am ropeable. She met this guy through World Of Warcraft and he was there for her while I was being a jerk. I spoke to him on a few occasions telling him a few things about her that he wanted to know. We had a rather shallow conversation on religion and humanistic philosophy which led me to conclude that he was a spiritual vacuum. I like the guy, but sensed that his elevator didn't go all the way to the top. On another occasion I rambled on for about an hour telling him how wonderful Grey is and why I love her so very much and why she loved me once and why I can't give up on us. I told him that I really appreciated that he had been there for her to have someone to talk to during this time. He told me that he was 'sorry for stealing her away from me' and I told him that no one can steal her, she won't allow herself to be stolen. And, as far as I know, no one's been stolen from me. They just get bored and leave or, they get bored and I leave. Hehehe, well, if I can't laugh at myself, I have lost everything. Anyway, this guy is like loser supremo. He just kicked himself in the arse and lost a great friend. I pretty much did the same thing although, I had the sense to know where I had gone wrong and to try and make amends. And, if I ever talk to him again, I'll have some rather unflatering words for him. No one treats her like that! I know, I did but, well, I'm stupid, everyone knows that- except those that are even stupider hee hee hee.

Well, this is my second really personal blog entry. I never thought I'd be doing this, certainly not on this topic. If I ever repeat myself, don't worry, I just do that. It's a habit that stems from not being listened to for most of my life by various people. It's all good though. I know you're all listening out there in netland. And, even if you're not, I can see you ;) . Did that freak you out? Should have, you never know where you can be watched from, Ha ha ha.