Okay. This is how it is and this is how it's going to be. I am no longer able to sit back and do nothing about this. I can't hide my feelings any longer . If I just happen to let slip something like 'I love you' etc etc, then so be it. I know that she didn't want us to be completely over and that it was my actions that led to that. We've both said and done stupid things that we wish we could take back. I am not prepared to throw away what we had and treat it like some fucking stupid teenage bullshit. I am going to fight for her with the most powerful weapon at my disposal...... Love! Of course, I have to do whatever it takes not to jeapordise anything even more. I am so incredibly in love with the most wonderful woman in the world and although she may not believe that herself, she really is. Like the rest of the world, she has her faults but any of those are far, far outweighed by the fact that she is well, her. This is how I feel, always have and always will. She is an incredible person and each minute I got to spend with her over the past 3 and a half years I am thankful for, the good, the not-so-good, the bad, the cranky, the love, the passion, the arguments, the laughter, the dreams, the visions, the hopes....... I'm thankful for it all and (apart from a few recent months) would not change any of it. Love is the most important thing of all and whatever doesn't kill us will only make us stronger.
I've been past feeling sorry for myself for a while now. This is where my persistent, patient and determined nature takes over. We will win in the end. Notice I say we? I know that what we had was a wonderful thing and, I know that even the previous year has been good regardless of the problems we were having. If we let that destroy us then we are truly pathetic and probably should resign ourselves to being sad and lonely people for the rest of our lives. We were the best thing to ever happen to each other. If she needs more time then, no worries, that can be done. Due to events that led to us getting together, she may need to scratch those itchy feet of hers. That's all well and good, I can do the same.
I do understand why she needed the break, everything is so clear now.... like crystal (or sands in the hourglass hehe). Well, as she said, 'these things happen', I guess. Well, many things happen in this world. So, using the premise that 'these things happen', things can also 'unhappen'. For when things 'unhappen', conversely, things are also happening. This is starting to sound like one of my old blog entries now :) .
I am not going to be the insensitive bastard I was for a month or so there, that isn't me. Nor will I tell her how I feel as much as I use to. Would you like to be told that you're loved 10-50 times a day? ........ exactly! It's not necessary, especially when there's no reciprocation, neither of us need that but, as I said, I have to consciously stop myself sometimes. It was much easier not to say those things when I was being a jerk. She told me that she wants the old me back well, so do I, and....... here I am :) . I wasn't really that far away in the first place. I feel like I have been hiding from myself for a bit now. Not wanting to come out and say that I was miserable within myself. Not miserable, that's too strong a word but I had much stress from looking for work and then losing the motivation I did have all took it's toll on me. Then there is my health which is much more under control at the moment. I have more energy than I have had in about six months or so, I have rediscovered by beliefs and I am completely content as far as myself is concerned. All is going well and, as I have said ad nauseum, I have my convictions and hope, enough said. Lunch is over and I am going back to work now.