Greylore and Taliesyn: No longer making beautiful music

My dear friends..... This post is re-written from something I wrote on the 18th October 2005. I think I have remembered it all pretty well although it seems a little shorter than the original. The original, by the way, went through the washing machine and was completely shredded, only the spiral of the note book was left. This is an incredibly difficult thing for me to talk about, as the occasional injection of humour may demonstrate. As Grey has told me many times over the years, I should be more open about myself. I have certainly been trying and this is so far my magnum opus, so to speak. I'd prefer that Grey didn't read this just at the moment, she doesn't need to hear any of it right now. I'm not asking anyone to not tell her, I just don't want to unecessarily upset her anymore. Thank you all.

I am currently heading home from work, it's a Monday night, 8:30 pm. Two weeks ago today, I was doing the same thing, excited to be returning home to my beautiful love and our wonderful home. Convinced that I had some solutions to the problems we were having over the previous months, I was quite elated, yet feeling somewhat nervous.
Little did I realize that within a few short hours, our relationship will have come to an end and I will have turned into something far different from myself. Instead of talking things over with her, I yelled, screamed, beat my head against walls, floors and doors. I began drinking Chivas Regal scotch from a hip flask... and I rarely drink at all. Worst of all, the love of my entire being became the target of an uncompromising barrage of verbal attacks. Things that were meant to be said much differently came out, causing her pain that she could never deserve. There were several moments of calm before the eye would pass, letting the storm rage on. I can never forgive myself for my actions. I hope one day, she can.
Eventually, I took a walk and came home at 5am bearing flowers and knocking on the front door, near the computer where she was seated. She answered asking what I was doing and all I could say was "dying", because that is exactly how I felt. She invited me in and we talked for a while before I left her alone and went to bed.
It has been a harrowing two weeks for us and losing her has been the most painful experience of my life. But, I have hope. So much so, that it is what is keeping me going at the moment. That, and my two beautiful girls. Little maniac cherubs on some invisible, air-borne sugar substance they are.
Before I explain the reasons why I can possess such hope, I must explain a little about our relationship that some of you may not know. From the beginning.......
Just to confuse you all from the outset, we met through my (then) wife and her (then) husband back around 2000. They played D&D together and said we should all get together sometime. We all became good friends and our girls were born seven months apart. Grey's first and then mine. They too became really close, best little friends, almost like sisters actually.
Early in 2002 though, our respactive marriages fell apart. Hers, for the most part, was not a terribly good marriage. Mine was a wonderful relationship that just seemed to turn into a loveless marriage towards the end.
Prior to, and while our marriages came to and end, we became best of friends. We were each others support base, spending hours talking about how to save our marriages. We would go for walks and talk for hours, we'd take the girls to parks and shopping for antiques (which we could never afford). We would talk online, on the phone and whenever we could. Our partners thought we were having an affair but damn it was nice to have someone to talk to, regardless of what anyone thought. In March I think it was, both marriages came to somewhat bitter ends.
Ok, read this bit carefully. I moved in with her ex and she moved in with mine. We got to talk when she came over to collect her things or vice versa. Our exes got together for a bit shortly thereafter so I would spend time with her at my old house and my ex with hers at her old house. Still with me.... "LIKE SANDS THROUGH THE HOUR GLASS.......". After a month or so, her ex and I had to move because the lease was not being renewed. My ex had decided to move as well due to the expenses of the duplex. So, we moved into my old place. Yes, I had to move everything back again!!!
So, there we were in a three bedroom duplex in a gated complex. Her brother also moved in with us. Simply put, we ate too many Anzac biscuits, watched an awful lot of movies and TV in bed, dreamed of having a decent block of land for the girls one day and talked of our future. The whole reason we realised we had become nterested in each other was because we'd noticed each others butts.... hehe. I was leaning over the back of a couch when she made a comment. It escalated from there. It's funny, I don't remember making very many first moves. I remember this girl in Byron Bay, New Years Eve, 1997.......... oh, perhaps another time, hehe.
We fell in love hard and fast, yet cautiously, so completely lost in ourselves that anything other than our girls wasn't really registering on our "must-do-o-meter". We were totally convinced that a lifetime with each other was just not enough. we also discussed what would happen if one of us ever left the other. We agreed that the one being left would chase the other to the four corners of the earth if necessary hehe. She told me that by nature, she would be the one most likely to leave. She told me that she gets to a point and then runs away. She tried to run before we got together because she didn't want to hurt me. I found her, helped her calm down and took her home, via a park. I told her she'd never hurt me and really, she never has. When she told me that she runs away, I don't recall believing her completely. Even if I did, it wouldn't have changed anything for me. I thought that I could make her really happy for the rest of our lives.
We were so incredibly happy that nothing could get us down for long. Waking up next to each other each morning just made for a great day. I don't even recall any arguments for at least the first year, nothing that the "kiss and make up" methodology couldn't fix anyway. Nothing of any real consequence, just silly little things. And the weeks felt like days and the months like weeks, we could never tire of each other.
Eventually, we moved out of the tiny little box, into another tiny little box with more land. We had a park for the girls right across the street. Once a week a playgroup met at the park and that was always good for them. Every fortnight, a mobile library made a stop at the park too and we'd borrow movies and books for us and the girls. Although quite pokey, the house was comfortable and all my crap went into storage. We started seeing our friends a bit more and had dinners and a couple parties and visitors moreso than when we were completely wrapped up in the magic of 'us'. Although, that description would still apply for this time.
I'll mention at this point that Grey has an extremely serious chronic illness that causes her intense amounts of pain for most of the time. I did all in my power to help her to feel better, or at least more comfortable. Hot water bottles, trips to the chemist or just keeping her company. Whatever I could do, I did. That's love and when it's someone you care about immensely, it is never a burden. My love for her is so strong that I could do all that and more for her until the day I die and still manage to leave my resting place to see if she s alright. You see, there aren't many times where she really, really needs my help, it was just always offered and always will be. She always did just as much for me and neither of us expected it from the other, we just gave completely out of love for the other. Even if she was never able to much for me, I wouldn't have minded at all.
We had wonderful days. Every day actually. Not a day went by that we didn't tell each other or show each other how much we loved the other. We moved out of that little box and into a huge house on a smaller block overlooking an estuary. We had the entire upper floor as our master bedroom/parent's retreat with our own balcony. Privacy was always an issue living with other people. As much as we love them living with us, we longed for the day we would have more privacy. This house provided some consolation and we could never have afforded it without them. We now had Grey's brother and a good, close friend of ours that I have known for about 15 years living with us. Also, a friend having reltionship problems spent a lot of time at our house. When the other adults of the house were all working, I took on the house by myself and, always inclined a little towards beng a stay-home dad, totally enjoyed it. We would take the girls to the nearby parks and walk along the creeks looking at small crabs and kangaroos on the other bank. We finally had a house that could accomodate the piano and it sat proudly in the lounge room. Grey's health began to deteriorate and she had to give up working. This was not helped by the stress over moving out of that place. We had just signed a lease for another year when the owners had to move in due to financial mistakes on their part. We could've stayed, we had the lease, but we did the nice thing and, sadly, moved to a new house. An older house in a state of neglect with a large backyard. None of us particularly liked the house, least of all Grey. She didn't really want to move in there but we had become worried that if we didn't take it we would not find another.
It never really felt like a home, just a shell we kept our family in until something better came along. We started to fight more than we ever had (ever heard of "sick house syndrome") and although we were still very much in love, things weren't as stable as they always had been before. That lease ended after 9 months with much stress and nastiness from ridiculously unreasonable owners. Now, we have the house and block we always wanted, with a granny flat downstairs for us and three bedrooms upstairs and plenty of room, yet we have been fighting over many little nothings and a few somethings since soon after moving here. There was still love for most of that time, but.... well, we were in love and now, she's not.
That conludes the history lesson, now, I will just write. I may occasionally waffle and jump from here to there, but I'll try to keep it brief. Remember, I'm talking about my love.
Ok, she needs time and space to heal herself before anything can happen between us again. She doesn't need to be in a relationship where she has to worry about another person other than herself and her daughter. I completely understand this now although, it feels like when I might be really need as a support, I'm cast aside like yesterday's junk mail. Not accurate, just a feeling I get from time to time. Other couples have been through similar situations and survived. I have complete hope... it's unshakeable. Although I am not wanted or needed in a partners capacity. I am still there to do whatever I can for her, when and if she needs me too. There are some who have told me that I should stop but, everything I do is done with all my love. In order to stop helping, I'd have to fall out of love with her. HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!! Yeah, that's likely. Sure, she's quite a different person at the moment but I have always accepted everything about her. I've been different myself of late. Sometimes I've been less accepting of things but hey, I'm only human, and male to boot :)
As I said earlier, I've said and done some stupid, uncharacteristic things. Things that weren't meant and weren't meant to happen. Yes, I've contemplated suicide about two dozen times in the past fortnight. Those of you who know me best however know that that is something that could never happen, for several reasons:- I have my girls to think about; I love life too much; it's a little too final; blood!!! yech!!!; I'd probably fail any attempt anyway; I don't like sleep and that's all death is in it's physical sense, a very long sleep; there'd be people out there somewhere who like me enough to not want me dead; and, there's a lot I want to achieve and do before I die. So, do not worry, there is no end in sight.
I have also felt like I should just curl up somewhere and die. This would be difficult as I tend to not be able to sit still for very long.
I scared her on the night we broke up. I still am reeling from the shock of this myself. My memory of that night can be a little hazy at times but I remember at one point she was curled up, scared shitless at the end of the bed against the wall. I remember telling myself to be calm and go for a walk but, all it took was me thinking of something else I wanted to say, or misinterpreting something she'd said, and I was off yelling again. She feared for her self, thinking I was going to physically hurt her or maybe worse, I don't know. The only thing that I can say with absolute confidence is that I would never hurt her physically. I can't do that to anyone. Inanimate objects and myself may get hurt, but not anyone else. You know, it wasn't even that I was angry at her, because I knew what she was saying. I was angry with myself because I had not done enough to save us. I was fearful of completely losing her. Terrified is a good word I think. I am not seeking justification for my actions at all. In fact, if anyone wanted to organise a lynch mob to deal out justice, I'd go to the gallows quietly. The whole reaction was just otherworldly and not like me at all. I need help. I will find it.
I scared myself that night. To hurt the one I love with the cruelty I demonstrated was well, unbelievable and every day I cannot overcome the fact that it was me inside that screaming idiot of a man.
I haven't responded well to my whole world being torn apart. Some things were said out of anger, some out of fear but most as failed attmepts to demonstrate my love and feelings. After the girls, she's the most important thing in my life. She has my heart and my love always. What we had, we can save. I know that. I also know that the odds of finding someone else that so completes the other is nigh on impossible, at least for me, I can't say for her. We were so much more than soul mates. We were perfect on every level.
She is going through an extremely difficult time at the moment but, there's light at the end of the tunnel. I know that she will be much better sometime soon. It's extremely important that she does that for herself. There are some things that I just can't help with, not in a major way. I can still do all the little things I do though.
I feel exactly like the man she fell in love with, better in fact. I feel like I am at a peak of emotional and physical strength. And, changes or not, she is still who I fell in love with, and am in love with. We were more than just good for each other, we were amazing. She once referred to me as the eye of her storm, and her rock, the one that keeps her calm. She is both of these to me too. We went through a period where we argued far more than usual. I'd get defensive, she'd get defensive and it would deteriorate from there, often over misinterpretations or just plain nothing. She's told me that she was unhappy and that things needed to change. This I understood and I did try, just not hard enough I don't think. Sometimes it felt that my trying fell on deaf ears, and I know she feels the same. I should have listened better and tried harder. Unfortunately, I trusted in our love which obviously wasn't enough on it's own. I thought it was. A big mistake and a lesson I'll only need to learn once.
During this time there were many many happy moments as well. Barbeques in the backyard, sitting and watching the moon, listening to her singing songs that ghe said were for me and time spent with the girls. Memories that, for me, far outweigh the bad.
As I think of these things I can't help but think of all the plans we made together. Opening our bookstore, writing together (she is a brilliant writer and unfortunately, one particularly brilliant story may never be finished. It's called "A love story for these modern times"), moving to the country and growing our own food, buying and rennovating old houses, writing songs, forming a band, getting married (when we got together, she told me that I couldn't ask her for 7 years, she then changed that to four years and I have a ring on lay-by) and, having a child of our own, a brother or sister for our two girls. The latter is the most painful as, considering her feelings, I don't think I ever really told her how much I wanted that too. She always wanted to give me a child but because we knew that it may never happen, I told her it was ok if we didn't. Of course it was ok, but I should have told her how badly I wanted to try as well. I regret many things I have said but there are probably even more things that I should have said, especially over the last year. If our break-up was inevitable then having our own child would have been terrible for me in the sense that i've already broken the hearts of two little girls already, one just isn't fully aware of it yet.
Somewhere along the way, I bacame the pessimist and she the optimist. I still took care of her when needed, as anyone would, but I failed her in other areas. I told her I loved her a dozen or so times most days, but, I did little to actually show it. I would give anything to change that, it isn't like me to not be affectionate and loving.
Right now though, she wants her best friend back. Well, she's got him, no matter what. Always. I feel that I now have my pain almost under control. This whole situation has been an intense, unimaginable shock and I have not taken it well at all. That's actually an understatement. It goes to show just how incredibly wonderful a person she is to be able to even speak to me. I caused her more pain in these last two weeks than in the three years prior. The guilt and pain I will feel for the rest of my life must pale by comparison. My friends, she ended us... I destroyed us. That I was capable of such ridiculous actions, I can never understand or justify. There were times that I felt I didn't deserve to be with her. Now, that's a fact, and she deserves infinitely better than me. I don't even deserve her friendship, let alone her forgiveness, although I hope for both. I am more sorry than words can ever describe. If I could paint "I am sorry" across the face of the moon, I would. Actually, no, the thought would offend both of us, the moon is sacred. Not a day goes by when I think "my gods, what have I done?". I would completely understand if she absolutely hated me.
We both said and did things we should have had more control over. Some things were cruel, said wrong or misinterpreted. We can take them back and apologise for them but they should never have been said in the first place.
I must say that while we were together she never caused me any pain and that my doing things for her is just part of me, not because she was ever completely dependent on me. There were times when she was more reliant on me than she felt comfortable with. I could never mind. I do understand her feelings though. I'm damn independent myself. I don't like to be dependent on people either. I never ever felt pity or sorry for her, that doesn't help anyone. I just wanted to show her how much I love her, that I would do anything I could for her.
I keep thinking back to the past three and a half years, the good and the bad. We had something that was phenomenal. Could be again. I know that with all my heart and soul. I hope in time she realise it too. Until then, she must do what she must and so must I.
If at times I have sounded a little pathetic, don't expect an apology. Love can never be pathetic. I'm not a love-struck teenager. I know what love is. I know there is pain and anguish that co-exist with love, that's how it is. You don't know what you've got till it's gone. You can't know beauty without having experienced ugly. If you love someone, set them free....... you know the rest. I promise, no more cliches.
My main concern is her happiness. My gretest hope, is our hapiness, together, again.
Her smile makes any given day so much better. Her laugh increases that feeling. She has an incredibe aura about her that draws you in. It's a rocky road and I have to have a lot of patience, hope, understanding, trust, love and faith in our love... for what it was. I truly believe that she deserves the best that life has to offer. If it is not me (hehe, forgive my unncharacteristic ego-trip) then that is my loss, not hers, and I must live with that.
It's really difficult to explain where I am at the moment. I love her as much as I did three years, two years, one year, six months, two weeks ago. I cannot help how I feel. Nothing has changed in that regard. If I ever was needed to lay down my life for hers, I would. Same for our girls. Without hesitation. I also cannot help being completely 100% devoted to the three loves of my life. If ever Grey says that she feels guilty for destroying us or ruining my life....TELL HER DIFFERENTLY. The best days of my life, which she gave me, are nothing to feel guilty about. If I live in the past for a while, let me go. I'm not about to 'move on' or 'get over her' anytime soon whether forced or not. As for being attracted to anyone else...... hee hee hee, is the Pope Muslim? Whenever she would point out a nice outfit, I would completely erase the Kate Moss/Elle McPherson clone modelling the clothes and picture her wearing them. It's the same when I saw an outfit that would look good on her. She doesn't realise how beautiful she is. Regardless of when she'd last had a shower, what side of the bed she woke up on or how sick she was at times, she is always beautiful. I could (and still do) always see through the temporary things to the real beauty that she posesses. And then there's her inner beauty!!! She is one of the sweetest, gentlest, kindest people I know. In fact, she's the best person I know or have ever known. She's stubborn, opinionated and has a wicked temper at times. She can be a little frustrating but I will always love these qualities in her. Never in anyone else have I really ever appreciated these at all...... strange. She's changed my thinking on a few things over the years and I know I've influenced hers (changing her thinking is nigh on impossible most of the time hehe). Apart from the last few weeks, I feel I am a better person just for having her in my life.
My main concern now is her happiness and health. I am her friend and I will do anything I can do to be a good friend for her. Whatever she needs, I am here. I will look after my needs too of course, don't worry about that. Three years ago I could take care of both of us no problem. I can do that again, I know my capabilities. She doesn't need me running around after her either though, that's not what she really wants or needs, but, I'm here. She obviously needs love too, and she's getting that. I am always here for that too, just to say "I love you", because it's still very, very true. We were so much in love, even a few months ago. I know things were going downhill and we were both angry and irritable for a while. There were reasons that had nothing to do with "us" but what we were going through individually. It shouldn't have led us here, we're both stronger than that, individually and as a whole. But, as the Elton John song proclaims, "It's easier to walk away", I guess. We both could've done so much more to save something so wonderful, there is no blame here. We just............ lost our way.
I hope this all made sense my friends. I wanted to tell you all to let you know what you're friend is obviously capable of. I am not normally an evil, mean, nasty person. I can never justify or explain my actions but I thought I'd try. And also, let you all know how I am feeling at the moment. I live and breathe hope, please let me know that you have read this. It is important to me that you do. Please, don't hold back if you need to express any unsavoury thoughts in my direction, I deserve it anyway. Also, don't feel sorry for me, it will all be ok. I will always love her regardless of what happens. I will always have my hope too.

"Hope is the pillar that holds up the world,
Hope is the dream of the waking man"
Pliny.