It is said that love is blind. Well, aside from the fact that there is nothing wrong with blindness, I disagree with this old adage. Well, we all know that I am in love, that's a given. Now, being in love with someone who is not in love with me can be seen as misguided and pathetic. There may be an element of truth in that but really, it's of no relevance. I am in love because I am not blinded. Love has never had such clarity, certainty and conviction and I am certainly not clutching to a foolish pipe-dream. I am also not about to justify my feelings because really, it's not needed.
Ok, this does need to be said: I love Grey and I wish I could tell her that untold times a day like I used to. It hurts like hell that I can't and there have been times when I have almost let it slip. My hope that we will be together again is now my strongest conviction. I know that no one has ever made her feel so loved, so accepted, so comforatable and so secure. I could only give her these things because she is so loved and accepted. I always loved everything about her.... still do. I always accepted everything about her. Naturally, some things frustrated or irritated me, as they did her. We're only silly little human things and, nice thought the thought is, none of us are perfect. All this crap about someone loving someone completely, without question, doesn't happen. Only where one half of a relationship is too stupid to notice that they are being completely used will we find that occuring. It would be nice but unconditional love doesn't exist in it's purest form. The love I have for Grey is close to unconditional and I would say that I love her completely. I would never expect it from another person and so, I cannot give it. Only the girls can have unconditional love. There are always conditions between adults even if they are not spoken or even assumed. If Grey took a kitchen knife and plunged it into my left ventricle, I may not love her quite as much as I do now, that sort of thing. It's all relative and damn it, I tried to get her to see that even though I get irritated about some things it doesn't change the way I feel about her. That's the closest I think any of us can get to uncinditional love.... acceptance. At the end of the day, I understand. Some things I accepted without complete understanding, some things I understood without complete acceptance. That's what I did and it's what I still do. For the most part, I did my best, and so did she. There are things about me that irritate everyone, I get that and if I was one of those people that changed myself to suit others, it might be a little easier for all concerned but..... fuck that, I don't go for that and anyone who has ever expected it has been sorely let down hehe. Grey never wanted me to change anything for her at all. We both talked to each other about being the best people we could be, not for each other, but for ourselves. I really miss those conversations actually, although there were times when we took things badly we both knew that the intentions of the other were completely altruistic. We'd talk about our beliefs for hours and hours on end. Essentially, we believe very similar things and we both believe that love is the most important thing one can possess and recieve. I still believe this and I am sure that she does too. In my less calm moments I sometimes think that if she doesn't want my love, that's not my probem, it's hers. She's never had someone love her like I did, and still do. Whatever reasons were behind her decisions, I still feel the same and......
Ok, this is a little uncharacteristic but I need to put it down. I am hurt by the whole situation of course but one thing stands out: 'These things just happen sometimes'. Bad days happen. Paper cuts happen. The end of the world as we know it might 'just happen', but for our ending to be described as something that 'just happened' makes me wonder if our beginning didn't 'just happen' and that what we had was just something that 'happened', like a bloody nose or a sprained ankle. Well, I for one know better. Call me strange but I'd feel better if it was something that I did or didn't do. You know, something tangible rather than just a blase happenstance. The times I've fallen out of love when it's 'just happened' are because the love was there but not so strong in the first place. I thought we were different, I know my feelings were, I was sure hers were. I don't know if she has ever felt the same level and intensity with anyone else but I sure haven't.
Ok, this is just my insecurities coming out now so I'll stop.
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