While I have breath, there is still hope

On Tuesday night, Grey was telling a friend that we need to let those we care about know just how much we care. Life is too short and you never know what will happen before you get another chance to tell them. This is something that I believe as well and so, I decided that I would tell Grey just how I feel. It took me until Wednesday afternoon to even summon up the courage to do so :) . This is what I told her:

"I agree with what you were saying last night and.... there's something that I need to say......
You are the most wonderful person that I know and..... I love you for all that you are..... and always will".

Then, she said things, I said more things and although some of it was hard to hear, it left me with my hopes boosted and my convictions in tact. I was glad that she accepted what I said without being upset or angry about it, that was something, although I understand why she doesn't need to hear things like that. Still, it's nice to know when you're loved.

So, all is going nicely. I have absolutely no time scale for anything and I certainly do not want to push or force the issue as that would help nought. I am prepared to do whatever it takes to at least show her that I am the crazy, happy, loving, man she fell in love with. If she still does not see it then...... well, I don't know. The thing is, I'm so happy right now that I don't want to say too much because my vision may be a little clouded. We've had a great week, spending time together and talking and laughing and well, just being friends... it's been fantastic.

I still don't think she quite gets what she means to me and that I am always here for her. There is not much I wouldn't do for her. She once felt the same way. It wasn't all that long ago and that's why I am so confused about where she is right now. I know what we had and I know it's not that far from being so once again but, after my behaviour, may never be again... only time will tell. She knows that I am here, hoping.

I've been thinking about things that people have been saying to me over the past two months too. Most have been really supportive, understanding her viewpoint and mine. They have agreed with my stance saying that I am completely right in my convictions and that I should hang in there. Some have said that whatever happens it should be whatever is best for Bella; obviously. The minority have said things like "Get out now!", "she never deserved you anyway", "after all the crap she's put you through?". All this advice I have recieved has come from our closest friends, people that know us both very well. I have also mentioned what an arsehole I've been during this time. No one has judged me for it and they've all understood my reaction to such hurt and pain but, not being there, it's hard to explain it to everyone. I think it's inexcusable!. It's the most horrible feeling to have, that feeling that you have no control over what I am saying until I get to a point and I look at Grey and her eyes and realise that I have said terrible things that are simply not true. They say truth comes out in anger. I have never believed this as I know what I have said during these moments and if any of them were actually true, then I couldn't actually be with anyone like that. Horrible things that I have said and I hope that one day, in time, she may actually ne able to forgive me. I have forgiven her for everything that she has said and done in anger as it takes two to tango and it sets off a chain reaction of comments that we never really experienced while we were together. It all stems from the agony I have been in over the last two months. It's not about intentionally causing her pain or trying to make her feel bad to make it easier on me or whatever. I love her with all my heart and soul, why would I want to do that? It would be ludicrous. She does understand though as most of you know, she experiences uncontrollable emotions during her sick time. The times I've been there, holding her until she is calm are very similar to what happens now, except that it's me causing the pain. I try to calm her in the ways I used to but of course, it's not going to work the same. It would be like the lion attacking the gazelle and then trying to make sure it's ok. Still, I will not leave her when she is so upset. If she wants me out of the room then I will sit outside and talk to her but, I can't leave her in such pain. It's not from guilt for the mess I've made, it's because I love her. The guilt is always there, and will be there for many, many years to come. I would do anything to make it up to her.

I am in love, so don't forget it. It's not a silly phase I'm going through. Da da da da da daa"

10 points for anyone who can name the song I rewrote just there.

Happy little me, signing out. Take care my friends. I love you all.

I thought I'd end a happy entry with a happy picture.