Grey gave me some news Thursday afternoon that I will not reveal, only to say that, I took it rather badly. Instead of being the supportive friend that I have been lately, I made a few comments that caused her to defend herself and the mood to deteriorate rather rapidly until such time that she could not stand to have me around. So, I went to bed and wrote this:
"The one I love is hurting
Feels unwanted by this world
It's fucked her over
Screwed her round
Shattered her dreams
Denied her the life she deserves
If I can treat someone whom I love more than any before, the was I treated her then, I deserve to have NO ONE!!!!!!
Turns out I was just another fucking arsehole. When she needed me most I completely lost it. The most wonderful person I know, who once said that about me, can now barely stand to have me near her so, effectively, I am fucking useless to her now too. I want to do everything I can to be there for her but I'm among the last people she needs around her. God damn, I am soooo in love with her!!!!!!
She deserves better. I was once."
Yeah, it started out as a lyric but ended up being rather free-form. I have hit a new low as far as my depression goes. I don't want to do anything at the moment. The only thing keeping me together are two happy little girls playing around me while I write this. They are the best. They love their Daddy and I love them right back :) Ooooh, they're hunting for monkeys now!?!?
The things I said to Grey the following morning were no better than the night before. I hadn't intended to be so cruel but, I put something the wrong way and she reacted and I reacted and we were both over-reacting in a very short space of time. This has to STOP!!! I can't go on treating her like this. It is not me and it is not right. She knows that it's not characteristic of me but still, it's me doing it isn't it? Yes, it is. I don't intend to say these nasty things or to get angry. All I really want is for her to be happy. Well, that's not all I want but, all I'm trying to acheive is that we can be happy as friends before it gets to the point that not even that's possible. What I want doesn't matter at the moment. Well, to me it never really does so, there's not much change there at least.
She did tell me that the three and a half years we had together are among the best years of her life. Actually, it meant so much to hear that they were placed with the best years of her childhood. I'm glad I was able to be there for those years and am thankful for every minute of them. The good and the bad.
I can't do this right now. I am so......... completely fucked up and screwed over. I just need to... just writing words now.... fucking depressed! I wish that I.............................................wjjjjjjjjjje eawaei ,
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